UPD Bytes

Your Unquestionable Source for Campus Crime: Viewer discretion is advised.

Friday, Feb. 12

12:04 p.m.
UPD rescued some keys that had been negligently locked in their owner's car. The car owner was told that a locked car was a bad place for keys: they could run out of oxygen and die of heat stroke.

2:18 p.m.
UPD received report of a suspicious looking backpack abandoned in the cashier's office. The backpack was determined not to contain a bomb, live tiger, or container of swine flu, and therefore was not dangerous.

5:22 p.m.
UPD was called to jump start a car in the library lot. The whole incident was electrifying.

8:48 p.m.
Someone called UPD about a horrible, nerve grating, deafening, and unspeakably awful noise coming from behind Gist hall. It was a car alarm. The owner of the car was told to turn it off.

9:53 p.m.
UPD reported a "marijuana incident" that happened in the area of Redwood hall. In other news: the sky is blue, the pope is Catholic, and a bear was seen providing fertilizer for trees in a nearby forest.

Saturday, Feb. 13

12:51 a.m.
UPD received complaint of a loud party in Redwood. The party was told to be quiet. The party quieted down, and went about it's business.

5:33 a.m.
UPD arrested a woman by the pedestrian underpass for trying to get into the record books for the most crimes simultaneously committed. She was arrested on counts of vandalism, petty theft, and violation of probation. As UPD was making the arrest, she resisted, adding yet one more charge to the list.

2:40 p.m.
UPD pulled over a driver on G street for driving with a suspended license. The driver was told that suspenders were out of style, and the license would need to be belted next time.

Sunday, Feb. 14

12:21 p.m.
UPD received a hang up 911 call from the Behavior and Social Science Building. It was ruled a false alarm, as no one there was exhibiting unusual behavior, or attempting to steal social sciences.

6:16 p.m.
UPD received an alarmed call that KHSU was off the air, and no one was answering the phone. KHSU was in the midst of an automated broadcast at the time, and had experienced some technical difficulty. The error was corrected, and one more robot was left without a job.

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3 comments

NR Guy

Mon Feb 22 2010 12:20

Actually, after reading the article "Sexual Assaults on Campuses Are Underreported" in this same issue prior to this article, I think the first poster might have a point. I dont generally have a problem with the humorous way these Bytes are presented because this is a campus newspaper and I dont take it that serious to begin with. But I'm sure the argument could be made that for some of those women who dont report being sexually assaulted every year, having their trauma being made fun of in the local media may be one reason why.

Alumni

Mon Feb 22 2010 09:16

Wow, really? Lighten up.

Anonymous

Sat Feb 20 2010 00:53

You know, some of us on this campus are legitimately concerned about crime on this campus, and I find it unsettling that you dont take it more serious. Thankfully not much major happens on this campus very often, but that doesnt diminish the fact that it could, and sometimes after something major you can look back at previous incidents and see a pattern leading up to something big. Besides, Kevin Hoover over at the Arcata Eye has been doing this funny biz bit with the crime reporting since long before I came to Humboldt, and even made a book out of it. The shtick is tired and played out from him; from you it's just unoriginal and annoying. Grow up.

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